Mom Guilt

Maybe I should really just call this fill in the blank guilt.
*Friend Guilt
*Wife Guilt
*Girl friend Guilt
*Work Guilt
The list goes on and on. You have expectations of yourself and you just don't meet up to them. You let the little voice in your head tell you how you failed.

Today my kids slept like poop. I was hoping nap time would be better but then it was poop. Poop sleep equals poop behaviors. Right now as I am typing this my girl is sitting in timeout screaming her head off. She can be so stubborn. The timeout is because she screamed for more chips and tv. The beginning of the guilt.

We watch too much tv. I try to limit it to just the morning and then maybe before bed but days like this when naps are short we watch more. The next thing I know they won't stop begging for it. THAT is when there has been too much tv. TV never killed me as a kid but I can hear those voices telling me all kinds of 'you are a bad mom' talk.

Snack today was chips. My kids LOVE THEM! I wanted to give them something to make them happy. We ended in some apple to try and balance it out. I do the same with mac & cheese and a can of carrots. Balancing the guilt.

A life without this silly guilt. Here's a little look into my guilt head... I should...
*call my dad more
*check on my friends
*be a better listener
*stop putting things off
*have quiet times
*exercise (I truly hate it)

What are some of your guilts? We need a place where we can share and not see judgment or even answers. Just share our hearts. Get the guilt out of our heads. Sometimes just speaking or typing them makes them fly away. So share... make your guilt fly far far away!

Both kids are now laughing and being silly, for now!

Some of My Favorites...

Just thinking about what I love besides the 'in your face' loves. The little loves I can pass onto you sweet people. Here's my list in no special order...

*Trader Joe's Tingling shampoo. My head is in heaven.
*Trader Joe's smore treats
*Google+
*The Help (now one of my top 3 favorite books of all time)
*Summer TV (especially Love Bites)
*Watermelon Vodka, goes amazing with lemonade. I call it the Jolly Rancher.
*Mahjong Trails on Facebook
*Skype
*Matt Nathanson... I can never get enough of him.
*Summer concerts
*A 6 pack of mixed beers

The Puke List
*Summer vacation and a new career
*Morning playtime outside
*pool time in the back with drinks
*Evening walks with the family
*Listening to my little man walk through the store asking what is everything

HATES...

*Stupid flies that WON'T go away!
*The physical pains of getting old or having very heavy kids.

What are your favorites lately? Hates?

The Pressure

I have been blogging in my head for months. It never stops. I do most of my blogging while in the shower. By the time I get out I have two little ones screaming, HOLD YOU, and the post is gone. Then I start to worry... what do I say first? How do I get started? The pressure is causing me not to blog which is how this 'pause' started. So I am just pushing forward.

I know many of you have questions about what happened this past year. Feel free to leave a comment or shoot out an email. I will try my best to fill you in. BUT here on this blog... I am just moving forward. Trying to fill in the blanks will ruin the fun and only add that pressure. I even thought of starting another blog and starting completely fresh but it doesn't change anything.

Just know this blog will be about me and my life. My life is full of little ones and fears of the unknown. In other words, it will be all over the place. Now the pressure is GONE!

I'm Back!!!!

No, you aren't seeing things I am really blogging! I have missed it so much I have decided to come back to this world now that my life has settled down. I need the free therapy it brings.

To catch you up...
*I am still married and life is good.
*The twins are two and amazing.
*I just finished teaching first grade and plan to stay at home with the kids now.

I have been blogging in my head all this time and can't wait to actually get it out there into the blog world. I also plan to start back on the twins page with pictures. More to come on that soon.

NOW catch me up with you!

Breathing is Optional

Right?

I find myself wanting to come back here so often but then the world (twins) fill my every moment. When I finally have alone time I am spent. So here I am with little ones crawling around filling the room with noise.

People ask all the time... How are you? My reply is usually fine. good. okay. They shake their heads, smile and say... I don't know how you do it. I then reply with... I just do it. Its easy. This week hasn't been that easy. Today hasn't been that easy.

My little ones have been so fussy. Most of the day has been spent with whining. If one starts the other follows just as loud. Nothing has worked to quiet them. THIS is when I hate him. I need a break. Back in the day I would have called him and let him hear them cry and say... hurry home. Knowing he couldn't but at least he knew I needed him. Now there isn't anyone to call. Yes I have friends but no one needs to hear my whining. SO I pray. I give thanks. I thank God for His joy, His strength, His perfect peace. I hold my little ones tight and apologize for checking out.

Its crazy how days like this start like this. My eyes open and it is hard to breathe. Tomorrow is Friday. They get to be with their dad for the weekend. I get to have LOTS of girl time. By the way, thanks to all my friends who schedule time with me each day. You have NO IDEA how much I need human contact that isn't just from a computer screen. Now computer screen thanks for letting me get my session in. Breathing is becoming easier as we speak.

Be looking for a post about online dating. HA it all just makes me laugh.

Quiet Saturday Mornings

The children are with their dad. Yes I miss my kids LOTS but I embrace my weekends. They are times for me to re energize for the rest of the week. When they aren't here I just stay in bed listening to the quiet (minus the moving truck a few houses down). Enjoying my bed, the fan, sunshine coming into the room. I make coffee and begin the day nice and slow. Silencing all the thoughts in my head.

I am going to be just fine!

I'm BACK!!!

My break is over. Life keeps being so full of surprises (said SUPER sarcastically!) I just wanted to send you a green cheer today!

Moving On For Now

After a lot of thought I have decided to move on with my blog. I don't feel the need to come here and share anymore. My life continues to stay complicated but one thing remains the same, my sweet twins. I have decided to start a blog about them, innocent and sweet. I don't want to make it private but I also don't want to share it with the world. If you would like to keep up with my little ones shoot me an email, you will find it on my sidebar. My only request is to not post my blog on your blog.

Who knows, I might be back one day but for now only my little ones will be 'speaking'.

Precious Moments

God is amazing! When life gets almost to heavy to handle He gives little moments to make breathing possible.

While we were gone for 2 weeks sleep just wasn't fun for Grace. Now that we are home, she gets so excited to go to bed. She smiles and kicks and giggles.

*Seeing my little ones sleep in their cribs. I wanted to pick them up last night to snuggle. Just a moment with them in my arms. Of course I knew better. I had been counting down all day until bed time.

*Wearing grandma's Christmas outfits and socks. It made my heart swell.

*Being stopped throughout the store to take a peak at the little ones. SO BLESSED AM I!

*Seeing my little ones so tired from a busy morning fall asleep while drinking their bottles.

*Grace opening her mouth BIG AS DAY to take a spoon full of food. THEN when I switched from applesauce to beans the look on her face.

I am beyond blessed to have these little joys in my life. Today I held them just a little tighter. Kissed them just a little more. Literally breathed them in to help me move today.

Set Free

Letting go is a very hard thing. Being in the middle of my marriage ending totally breaks my heart. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about the 13 years I had with DB. (I wanted to say 'my man' but he isn't mine anymore) It wasn't perfect but to me, it was precious. Now my time spent with this man is pick ups and drop offs.

Usually the pick up goes okay. I count down until it is time. All excited to have a moment to myself after a week of just me and the kids. I pass of information and necessities. The door shuts and I sit back going "I never in a million years would have thought THIS would be my life." Then the weekend begins with me being alone wishing for my kids to return. Oh so crazy how we work.

The drop offs are always painful. He comes in broken for having to give his kids back. (He might suck as a husband but he is a great dad.) He shares how the weekend went. I listen but begin to get angry. The next thing you know I have become emotional and ugly words are thrown at each other. HURTFUL words. Yes I deserve to be able to let it go and have him hold my hurt. But truly, in the end, I never feel better. The door is closed. I am upstairs with a drink in my hand crying. So sad. Wishing that after my words were screamed out he would change his mind. He never does.

The last time this happened I was a complete mess in the end. My night was very sleepless. I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night praying. I couldn't do this every time. I woke up realizing I truly had to forgive him and walk in love and kindness. I know it sounds crazy but my children deserve that. I don't need to know about his personal life. But we will have to talk about our kids. In order to do this I have to forget about me and think about them every time I have an encounter with him. I have to let it go for them.

It truly is a freeing thing, forgiveness. Love and kindness are too.

The Evenings

When you are alone after always having someone, the hardest 'thing' is your evenings. You hold things in all day to share with your 'someone'. Or at least I did. I kept a mental list. I would start getting excited when I knew he was close to home. He would always call. I would ask where he was and figure out the time. If I hadn't showered (yep I do that sometimes) I would rush to get ready. If I was cooking I would finish things up. I would get the dog all excited and even stand at the window waiting. Now I try to forget about it all.

During my day I start making my mental list and realize it won't be shared. I quickly erase it. Then I start doing it again. There were times I couldn't wait until he came home so I would txt him. I have found myself txting in my head now. I miss sharing with him.

So to help with this missing part I am going to throw out my mental list here. I know, crazy, but I just need to get it out of my head.

Here it is:

*The babies slept all day. They took the longest naps ever. I am sure it was from all the traveling and being busy with family. I selfishly loved it.

*The evening wasn't so good. My little man hit a wall around 5:30. Screamed and screamed and screamed. It got to the point where I just let him. Of course my little girl started in with him. I began to laugh as I sat eating chinese food while holding screaming babies. Bed came early.

*My little girl wouldn't have the 'to bed early' stuff. So I held her. She smiled and smiled and smiled. Of course she touched my face with her sweet hand. She loves to do that now. It melted my heart.

*Itsy got into my suitcase and started to eat the baby formula. Yep had to throw away expensive formula. NOT HAPPY!

*When the chinese came Itsy went right into the bathroom without me having to make her go. She finally knows what to do.

*The people at the end (I would insert our name for them but that isn't nice on the web) she was 'fully covered today'. I wonder what is going on in that home.

* I watched a lady try to get rid of a friend. The friend just wouldn't go. It made me laugh.

*Itsy is so confused.

I know you are probably thinking, MAN she thinks and talks too much. I wouldn't dump all this on him at once. It would come out throughout the evening. Of course as we would fall asleep I would have one more thought. It would always be about the babies. *I gave them a bath today. They smelled so bad with the spit and dirty neck combo. Now I can't stop pulling them close and smelling them.

Yep the evenings are so hard. Thanks for listening.

The New Life

Being home for the holiday was a good thing. I never thought I would say that. It was nice to be far far away from him. I didn't have to see him. We txted just a bit. A couple of emails went back and forth but for the most part he was far away.

It was nice to have family to help. We never talked about my drama. I brought it up a time or two but everyone stayed clear from the topic. Now my mind... it really has struggled. Watching couples be together. Husbands help with the kids. Then there's me alone. We took family pictures. YEP my new little family got pictures too. Me and the babes. The entire time I wanted to dig a hole and cry.

I love being taken care of. I hope I am blessed with that again one day.

Its Over

I began this email early this morning with a dying computer. Of course before I could hit publish it died and I lost it. My moment of quiet has ended. It at least helped my mind to quiet so I could sleep another hour before the babies came alive again.

After trying with all my might to save my marriage he decided it wasn't worth his time anymore. He lied and lied and lied some more. He lied so much he didn't know what was truth anymore. It all came to an end with, "I don't have feelings for you anymore. I really never have." I knew right then and there I was DONE! No more games. It would take a miracle for my heart to be changed toward him. I don't want a weak man full of lies and lust.

Part of me is relieved to be done with this part of my life. Well done really won't be complete until September of next year. He is living as if we are divorced. I wish it were that easy where we lived. The other part of me is broken. I look at my children and am sad. We would have had so much fun together raising them. The past 13 years were good. Hard at times but good. I am sad about it all.

I wish I could fast forward a year. I hope by then the pain will be dull. The breathing will be easier. The pressure will be lifted. I do know I NEVER want to speak to 'her' or have her in my life. She will always be a homewrecker to me. I think he believes it will be like the movies with us. We will all be good friends. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! I won't be friends with her AND I will never be his friend again.

I could go on and on. I could get ugly. Maybe one day. ;) Right now I am just done.

Breathing

We have all heard the songs. Ingrid's says it all. It is hard to breathe sometimes. Just the act of taking a breathe takes so much courage. There are days everything hurts. To think about going on and living can be so hard. Breathing is all you can do.

During all of this I have had a friend who shows up sometimes. This friend isn't invited and never will be. It is the elephant that likes to move in and sit on my chest. Breathing becomes almost impossible. So I pray. I use God's Word to make it move. I stay busy or even have a glass of wine to just calm me. Giving me courage to make it go. Each day the elephant visits less and less. THEN something will happen to invite it more. The process of making him leave begins again.

I never thought I would take back a man who has disrespected and wronged me so much. You know you always think you would do this and that but never hold on. I also know there is a point where I can't keep him any longer. I have to let 'us' go. BUT right now I have to fight. I have to keep breathing.

Today as I hold my little Grace in my arms, comforting her after painful shots, THIS is the reason I breathe. THIS is the reason I fight for him. When I go and pick up my little boy and see his wide eyes and sweet smile I know I am doing the right thing for now. I keep breathing for them.

I never truly understood love or sacrifice until I had my miracles. I would do anything for them. Some days I feel like I have. To have them I have almost lost my marriage. They are the air I breathe. They are God's breath to me. They were and are worth it all. I wouldn't change a thing.

I want him to love me but right now I can live with liking me. I pray we work completely out in the end. He can't understand why I would forgive him. Why I would continue loving him. He is part of my little miracles. He helped make them breathe with me.

Today I breathe in my children. I hold them close and let them feel my heart. My breathing. It will get easier.

Thank you for all the encouragement from my last post. You have cheered me on.

Disclaimer

It has come to my attention that my blog has been discovered by certain people. To be honest I don't care. Everyone just needs to understand this is my free therapy. I blog to get things out of my head. I also blog to hopefully help someone else.

I was asked to make my blog private but it defeats its purpose. I will continue to blog and make it public. All need to understand my thoughts are my thoughts. Please respect them.

A Day of Rememberance

Yesterday was Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I know it was yesterday. I didn't forget. In fact I will never forget it. My sweet <3 friend mourns that day. I go to bed thinking about her every October 14th. I wake up thinking about her. My heart will always hurt on that day.

As the day ended I stopped and looked at my sweet little twins and said a prayer. I kissed their noses. I breathed them in. I thought of my little angel. How she would be talking and all in their business. I thought of all my friends' angels and how we would have had the best playdates. And of course I wondered if my little angel were living, would he have felt so empty that he needed to fill his void with her. Funny how life comes full circle.

I know I am a day late but I needed yesterday to hold it for just me. Sending out my love, thoughts, prayers and hugs to my fellow sisters who have walked the road of loss. We will always remember and never forget.

It Never Ends

I got an email today from a friend. She needed legal advice and knew I had already sought mine. Her husband of 7 years began having an affair back in January. He called her on Sunday from training wanting a divorce. She just had their second baby. They just sold their house. He is moving on to probably to start a new life with his 'lover'. What has this world come to?

We talked on the phone for a very long time. We are the only ones who know each others pain. I wish I didn't have this experience to share with her. I know she feels the same. My DB is going to talk to her DB this weekend. I am hoping he can talk some sense into him. How ironic.

I watched Dr. Phil this week, MISTAKE, on the mistresses side of the story. I will NEVER understand. Why would someone want a man with a family? Why would this person think it was okay to continue on with the relationship knowing 'she' was destroying lives? I am not taking the blame off of 'him' in any way. BUT...

I wish I was rich. I would take my friend away some place to bash and cry and listen to screaming man hating music. A break would be nice for me too. We will just have to be content in helping each other long distance.

Selfishness sickens me.

Misguided

Misguided was the word he used tonight. All of our evenings end with me 'discussing' everything. I have to stop the talking. I start it and end it and never feel good about it. It is my torture I guess. But tonight... misguided. SERIOUSLY?! Oh I guess I should back track just a bit. He left her the weekend I blogged about his thoughts. He is still in his apartment, my wish. We see each other lots but not in a married way. We are courting/dating. It has to go slow. I have to learn to trust again. He needs to prove himself.

So the word misguided again. I asked who guided him. The word makes me laugh because what he has done is WAY more than a misjudgment or misstep or misguided moment. It was devastating, humiliating, embarrassing, heart breaking... the list could go on forever. It should never have happened.

There is always a moment in our time together that brings me to a bad place. Tonight was pulling her long hair off my little man. I could have screamed. She is EVERYWHERE! She freaking haunts me. If it is not at his place, she finds herself in my house. Will she ever disappear? I think it is truly up to me to get rid of her. I have to let her go. Hate rears its ugly head OFTEN. I never hate but now...

This post is all over the place which is where I live these days. My head always feels like it is spinning. I feel hung over or even tipsy all the time. Maybe it is the all over the place sleep. Could it be stress? I look in the mirror and want to yell at myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Once again, time needs to fast forward itself quickly. This time just HAS to be it or I might truly go crazy.

Oh and the inlaws are coming for 2 weeks. That is another post for another day. If you made it this far you deserve a gold star.

Fog

I am lying here in my bed on a new set of sheets. No one has ever been in them but me. In fact they are flannel. I have never slept on flannel sheets before. I am also wearing new pjs. No one has seen me in them and might never see me in them. They are 'fancy' and a little snug. Of course they look better on the hanger. The windows are open, hearing the sound of steady rain fall. My room now has a damp feel to it. A bottle of wine is on my nightstand along with pacifiers, single socks and baby lotion that I am now calling mine. I have a lot running through my head. Nothing is clear anymore hence, FOG.

DB and I (he will be DB and not Grumps until life changes) talked yesterday. We don't talk much anymore. It was my plan. He can't have me and his new life together. He needs to feel the loss of me, his best friend. I refuse to share him or play this game he wishes he could play. But yesterday morning he called. We usually communicate in short txts about the babies. He sounded heavy on the phone. Confused and sad. He began to talk. I just listened. This is my new thing. I let him ramble and I don't interject. It is easier that way. I don't want to confuse him or sway him. It all has to be just him.

He said lots of 'new' thoughts. Ideas. Plans. Just a week ago I was asking for a list of all of our assets to give to my lawyer. Now he doesn't want to end 'this'. He wants to end 'her'. Of course I continue to just listen. He said he still has his lease. I told him it was a good thing. He isn't moving back any time soon. I reminded him he can't live both worlds. There has to be a change.

The phone call ended and I could breathe a little easier BUT my guard was still up. It was up HIGH. It still is. This new life I live is a roller coaster. I can no longer trust it. He came by today to pick up the babies. He said there were lots of changes he needed to make. He isn't happy in his new life. I thought we would talk more but he hurried out the door. I am sure he had plans with her and the kids. I try not to dwell on that.

I refuse to have hope, to think about the future. I still have my lawyer. I paid him big bucks to take care of things; yet we still have a year before it can, will, is over. I might not even want him back. We both did agree on our marriage defining who we are. Everything is US. All of our stories focus around each other. This doesn't mean I have to keep it this way. It would be easier to send him away for forever but he will never be gone. We have the twins. It would also be easier to stay us. It is what we know.

Do you see where the fog comes in? Do you feel my whirl of emotions? I know many of you probably think I am nuts for even entertaining the thought of 'us' again. Trust me, if I were you I would feel the same way. You think you would be one way in a situation and when the time comes you are completely opposite. Did any of you watch 'The Good Wife'? She was asked why didn't she go crazy when she found out about her husband. Her reply was something like, you always think you will, but when it happens you are caught off guard. You are shocked. You don't know how to respond so you don't.

Tonight I plan to enjoy the wine, rain, sheets, silence and SLEEP. Maybe in all of this I will find a new version of me. A better me. WOW I sound like Felicity!

Scrap!

I faintly remember posting yesterday. When I say 'faintly' I mean I really don't remember at all. SO scrap what I wrote or read it knowing I had just enjoyed a nice wine festival. I hate deleting posts but I should know better to even open my laptop after being out all day with a glass in my hand.

SORRY for my crazy head. :)