Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Precious Moments

God is amazing! When life gets almost to heavy to handle He gives little moments to make breathing possible.

While we were gone for 2 weeks sleep just wasn't fun for Grace. Now that we are home, she gets so excited to go to bed. She smiles and kicks and giggles.

*Seeing my little ones sleep in their cribs. I wanted to pick them up last night to snuggle. Just a moment with them in my arms. Of course I knew better. I had been counting down all day until bed time.

*Wearing grandma's Christmas outfits and socks. It made my heart swell.

*Being stopped throughout the store to take a peak at the little ones. SO BLESSED AM I!

*Seeing my little ones so tired from a busy morning fall asleep while drinking their bottles.

*Grace opening her mouth BIG AS DAY to take a spoon full of food. THEN when I switched from applesauce to beans the look on her face.

I am beyond blessed to have these little joys in my life. Today I held them just a little tighter. Kissed them just a little more. Literally breathed them in to help me move today.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Set Free

Letting go is a very hard thing. Being in the middle of my marriage ending totally breaks my heart. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about the 13 years I had with DB. (I wanted to say 'my man' but he isn't mine anymore) It wasn't perfect but to me, it was precious. Now my time spent with this man is pick ups and drop offs.

Usually the pick up goes okay. I count down until it is time. All excited to have a moment to myself after a week of just me and the kids. I pass of information and necessities. The door shuts and I sit back going "I never in a million years would have thought THIS would be my life." Then the weekend begins with me being alone wishing for my kids to return. Oh so crazy how we work.

The drop offs are always painful. He comes in broken for having to give his kids back. (He might suck as a husband but he is a great dad.) He shares how the weekend went. I listen but begin to get angry. The next thing you know I have become emotional and ugly words are thrown at each other. HURTFUL words. Yes I deserve to be able to let it go and have him hold my hurt. But truly, in the end, I never feel better. The door is closed. I am upstairs with a drink in my hand crying. So sad. Wishing that after my words were screamed out he would change his mind. He never does.

The last time this happened I was a complete mess in the end. My night was very sleepless. I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night praying. I couldn't do this every time. I woke up realizing I truly had to forgive him and walk in love and kindness. I know it sounds crazy but my children deserve that. I don't need to know about his personal life. But we will have to talk about our kids. In order to do this I have to forget about me and think about them every time I have an encounter with him. I have to let it go for them.

It truly is a freeing thing, forgiveness. Love and kindness are too.

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Evenings

When you are alone after always having someone, the hardest 'thing' is your evenings. You hold things in all day to share with your 'someone'. Or at least I did. I kept a mental list. I would start getting excited when I knew he was close to home. He would always call. I would ask where he was and figure out the time. If I hadn't showered (yep I do that sometimes) I would rush to get ready. If I was cooking I would finish things up. I would get the dog all excited and even stand at the window waiting. Now I try to forget about it all.

During my day I start making my mental list and realize it won't be shared. I quickly erase it. Then I start doing it again. There were times I couldn't wait until he came home so I would txt him. I have found myself txting in my head now. I miss sharing with him.

So to help with this missing part I am going to throw out my mental list here. I know, crazy, but I just need to get it out of my head.

Here it is:

*The babies slept all day. They took the longest naps ever. I am sure it was from all the traveling and being busy with family. I selfishly loved it.

*The evening wasn't so good. My little man hit a wall around 5:30. Screamed and screamed and screamed. It got to the point where I just let him. Of course my little girl started in with him. I began to laugh as I sat eating chinese food while holding screaming babies. Bed came early.

*My little girl wouldn't have the 'to bed early' stuff. So I held her. She smiled and smiled and smiled. Of course she touched my face with her sweet hand. She loves to do that now. It melted my heart.

*Itsy got into my suitcase and started to eat the baby formula. Yep had to throw away expensive formula. NOT HAPPY!

*When the chinese came Itsy went right into the bathroom without me having to make her go. She finally knows what to do.

*The people at the end (I would insert our name for them but that isn't nice on the web) she was 'fully covered today'. I wonder what is going on in that home.

* I watched a lady try to get rid of a friend. The friend just wouldn't go. It made me laugh.

*Itsy is so confused.

I know you are probably thinking, MAN she thinks and talks too much. I wouldn't dump all this on him at once. It would come out throughout the evening. Of course as we would fall asleep I would have one more thought. It would always be about the babies. *I gave them a bath today. They smelled so bad with the spit and dirty neck combo. Now I can't stop pulling them close and smelling them.

Yep the evenings are so hard. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The New Life

Being home for the holiday was a good thing. I never thought I would say that. It was nice to be far far away from him. I didn't have to see him. We txted just a bit. A couple of emails went back and forth but for the most part he was far away.

It was nice to have family to help. We never talked about my drama. I brought it up a time or two but everyone stayed clear from the topic. Now my mind... it really has struggled. Watching couples be together. Husbands help with the kids. Then there's me alone. We took family pictures. YEP my new little family got pictures too. Me and the babes. The entire time I wanted to dig a hole and cry.

I love being taken care of. I hope I am blessed with that again one day.

Its Over

I began this email early this morning with a dying computer. Of course before I could hit publish it died and I lost it. My moment of quiet has ended. It at least helped my mind to quiet so I could sleep another hour before the babies came alive again.

After trying with all my might to save my marriage he decided it wasn't worth his time anymore. He lied and lied and lied some more. He lied so much he didn't know what was truth anymore. It all came to an end with, "I don't have feelings for you anymore. I really never have." I knew right then and there I was DONE! No more games. It would take a miracle for my heart to be changed toward him. I don't want a weak man full of lies and lust.

Part of me is relieved to be done with this part of my life. Well done really won't be complete until September of next year. He is living as if we are divorced. I wish it were that easy where we lived. The other part of me is broken. I look at my children and am sad. We would have had so much fun together raising them. The past 13 years were good. Hard at times but good. I am sad about it all.

I wish I could fast forward a year. I hope by then the pain will be dull. The breathing will be easier. The pressure will be lifted. I do know I NEVER want to speak to 'her' or have her in my life. She will always be a homewrecker to me. I think he believes it will be like the movies with us. We will all be good friends. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! I won't be friends with her AND I will never be his friend again.

I could go on and on. I could get ugly. Maybe one day. ;) Right now I am just done.