Friday, October 30, 2009


We have all heard the songs. Ingrid's says it all. It is hard to breathe sometimes. Just the act of taking a breathe takes so much courage. There are days everything hurts. To think about going on and living can be so hard. Breathing is all you can do.

During all of this I have had a friend who shows up sometimes. This friend isn't invited and never will be. It is the elephant that likes to move in and sit on my chest. Breathing becomes almost impossible. So I pray. I use God's Word to make it move. I stay busy or even have a glass of wine to just calm me. Giving me courage to make it go. Each day the elephant visits less and less. THEN something will happen to invite it more. The process of making him leave begins again.

I never thought I would take back a man who has disrespected and wronged me so much. You know you always think you would do this and that but never hold on. I also know there is a point where I can't keep him any longer. I have to let 'us' go. BUT right now I have to fight. I have to keep breathing.

Today as I hold my little Grace in my arms, comforting her after painful shots, THIS is the reason I breathe. THIS is the reason I fight for him. When I go and pick up my little boy and see his wide eyes and sweet smile I know I am doing the right thing for now. I keep breathing for them.

I never truly understood love or sacrifice until I had my miracles. I would do anything for them. Some days I feel like I have. To have them I have almost lost my marriage. They are the air I breathe. They are God's breath to me. They were and are worth it all. I wouldn't change a thing.

I want him to love me but right now I can live with liking me. I pray we work completely out in the end. He can't understand why I would forgive him. Why I would continue loving him. He is part of my little miracles. He helped make them breathe with me.

Today I breathe in my children. I hold them close and let them feel my heart. My breathing. It will get easier.

Thank you for all the encouragement from my last post. You have cheered me on.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


It has come to my attention that my blog has been discovered by certain people. To be honest I don't care. Everyone just needs to understand this is my free therapy. I blog to get things out of my head. I also blog to hopefully help someone else.

I was asked to make my blog private but it defeats its purpose. I will continue to blog and make it public. All need to understand my thoughts are my thoughts. Please respect them.

Friday, October 16, 2009

A Day of Rememberance

Yesterday was Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I know it was yesterday. I didn't forget. In fact I will never forget it. My sweet <3 friend mourns that day. I go to bed thinking about her every October 14th. I wake up thinking about her. My heart will always hurt on that day.

As the day ended I stopped and looked at my sweet little twins and said a prayer. I kissed their noses. I breathed them in. I thought of my little angel. How she would be talking and all in their business. I thought of all my friends' angels and how we would have had the best playdates. And of course I wondered if my little angel were living, would he have felt so empty that he needed to fill his void with her. Funny how life comes full circle.

I know I am a day late but I needed yesterday to hold it for just me. Sending out my love, thoughts, prayers and hugs to my fellow sisters who have walked the road of loss. We will always remember and never forget.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It Never Ends

I got an email today from a friend. She needed legal advice and knew I had already sought mine. Her husband of 7 years began having an affair back in January. He called her on Sunday from training wanting a divorce. She just had their second baby. They just sold their house. He is moving on to probably to start a new life with his 'lover'. What has this world come to?

We talked on the phone for a very long time. We are the only ones who know each others pain. I wish I didn't have this experience to share with her. I know she feels the same. My DB is going to talk to her DB this weekend. I am hoping he can talk some sense into him. How ironic.

I watched Dr. Phil this week, MISTAKE, on the mistresses side of the story. I will NEVER understand. Why would someone want a man with a family? Why would this person think it was okay to continue on with the relationship knowing 'she' was destroying lives? I am not taking the blame off of 'him' in any way. BUT...

I wish I was rich. I would take my friend away some place to bash and cry and listen to screaming man hating music. A break would be nice for me too. We will just have to be content in helping each other long distance.

Selfishness sickens me.

Friday, October 9, 2009


Misguided was the word he used tonight. All of our evenings end with me 'discussing' everything. I have to stop the talking. I start it and end it and never feel good about it. It is my torture I guess. But tonight... misguided. SERIOUSLY?! Oh I guess I should back track just a bit. He left her the weekend I blogged about his thoughts. He is still in his apartment, my wish. We see each other lots but not in a married way. We are courting/dating. It has to go slow. I have to learn to trust again. He needs to prove himself.

So the word misguided again. I asked who guided him. The word makes me laugh because what he has done is WAY more than a misjudgment or misstep or misguided moment. It was devastating, humiliating, embarrassing, heart breaking... the list could go on forever. It should never have happened.

There is always a moment in our time together that brings me to a bad place. Tonight was pulling her long hair off my little man. I could have screamed. She is EVERYWHERE! She freaking haunts me. If it is not at his place, she finds herself in my house. Will she ever disappear? I think it is truly up to me to get rid of her. I have to let her go. Hate rears its ugly head OFTEN. I never hate but now...

This post is all over the place which is where I live these days. My head always feels like it is spinning. I feel hung over or even tipsy all the time. Maybe it is the all over the place sleep. Could it be stress? I look in the mirror and want to yell at myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Once again, time needs to fast forward itself quickly. This time just HAS to be it or I might truly go crazy.

Oh and the inlaws are coming for 2 weeks. That is another post for another day. If you made it this far you deserve a gold star.