Friday, October 9, 2009


Misguided was the word he used tonight. All of our evenings end with me 'discussing' everything. I have to stop the talking. I start it and end it and never feel good about it. It is my torture I guess. But tonight... misguided. SERIOUSLY?! Oh I guess I should back track just a bit. He left her the weekend I blogged about his thoughts. He is still in his apartment, my wish. We see each other lots but not in a married way. We are courting/dating. It has to go slow. I have to learn to trust again. He needs to prove himself.

So the word misguided again. I asked who guided him. The word makes me laugh because what he has done is WAY more than a misjudgment or misstep or misguided moment. It was devastating, humiliating, embarrassing, heart breaking... the list could go on forever. It should never have happened.

There is always a moment in our time together that brings me to a bad place. Tonight was pulling her long hair off my little man. I could have screamed. She is EVERYWHERE! She freaking haunts me. If it is not at his place, she finds herself in my house. Will she ever disappear? I think it is truly up to me to get rid of her. I have to let her go. Hate rears its ugly head OFTEN. I never hate but now...

This post is all over the place which is where I live these days. My head always feels like it is spinning. I feel hung over or even tipsy all the time. Maybe it is the all over the place sleep. Could it be stress? I look in the mirror and want to yell at myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Once again, time needs to fast forward itself quickly. This time just HAS to be it or I might truly go crazy.

Oh and the inlaws are coming for 2 weeks. That is another post for another day. If you made it this far you deserve a gold star.


  1. There really aren't any words I can say that will make you feel better. Hopefully, knowing that people are supporting you from across the miles will make you smile at least for a second. Trust is a hard thing to gain back once it is broken and I'm finding it will likely take years to get it back all the way. My trust issues are a bit different with my husband's situation, but they are just as strange and hard to grasp.

    Now, I can't wait to hear about the inlaws. Are they staying with you or with him?

  2. Oh my goodness, honey. 'misguided'? wow.

    I'm with ordinary-- can't wait to hear about the inlaws coming. They know what's going on with you guys, right?

    take care! I think of you and S & G often!!!

  3. Seriously??? "Misguided"?!?!? Poor, poor choice of words.

    I can't wait to hear about the inlaws visit!

    Hang in there, sweetie. You're doing great!


  4. Well, I DO like gold stars. ;)
    You are an amazing and strong woman. The in law visit should be interesting, to say the least.
    Hang in there hon.

  5. Have wanted to post for so long and tell you how sorry I am that this has happened, but could never put the words together to do so. Then, I was thinking of someone I used to work with who went through a similar situation. She got so far as being before the judge to finalize the divorce (and her husband was set to catch a plane to marry his "her.") She had been praying and praying that her husband would see the light. As they are going before the judge, he did "see" the light and asked her to forget the proceedings and start over. She was so hurt from everything that had happened, but she realized that she was being offered what she had been praying for. It took years for their relationship to recover, but it really has. I can't imagine how hard it would be to trust him again, but it sounds like that is what you really want. So, I hope it works out -- take it a day at a time and enjoy being with your little ones. On a sidenote, dh was married before (I was too) and it took forever to get rid of "her." You're allowed to hate her -- I've even shredded things I knew were her's. Very therapeutic.