Breathing

We have all heard the songs. Ingrid's says it all. It is hard to breathe sometimes. Just the act of taking a breathe takes so much courage. There are days everything hurts. To think about going on and living can be so hard. Breathing is all you can do.

During all of this I have had a friend who shows up sometimes. This friend isn't invited and never will be. It is the elephant that likes to move in and sit on my chest. Breathing becomes almost impossible. So I pray. I use God's Word to make it move. I stay busy or even have a glass of wine to just calm me. Giving me courage to make it go. Each day the elephant visits less and less. THEN something will happen to invite it more. The process of making him leave begins again.

I never thought I would take back a man who has disrespected and wronged me so much. You know you always think you would do this and that but never hold on. I also know there is a point where I can't keep him any longer. I have to let 'us' go. BUT right now I have to fight. I have to keep breathing.

Today as I hold my little Grace in my arms, comforting her after painful shots, THIS is the reason I breathe. THIS is the reason I fight for him. When I go and pick up my little boy and see his wide eyes and sweet smile I know I am doing the right thing for now. I keep breathing for them.

I never truly understood love or sacrifice until I had my miracles. I would do anything for them. Some days I feel like I have. To have them I have almost lost my marriage. They are the air I breathe. They are God's breath to me. They were and are worth it all. I wouldn't change a thing.

I want him to love me but right now I can live with liking me. I pray we work completely out in the end. He can't understand why I would forgive him. Why I would continue loving him. He is part of my little miracles. He helped make them breathe with me.

Today I breathe in my children. I hold them close and let them feel my heart. My breathing. It will get easier.

Thank you for all the encouragement from my last post. You have cheered me on.

Disclaimer

It has come to my attention that my blog has been discovered by certain people. To be honest I don't care. Everyone just needs to understand this is my free therapy. I blog to get things out of my head. I also blog to hopefully help someone else.

I was asked to make my blog private but it defeats its purpose. I will continue to blog and make it public. All need to understand my thoughts are my thoughts. Please respect them.

A Day of Rememberance

Yesterday was Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I know it was yesterday. I didn't forget. In fact I will never forget it. My sweet <3 friend mourns that day. I go to bed thinking about her every October 14th. I wake up thinking about her. My heart will always hurt on that day.

As the day ended I stopped and looked at my sweet little twins and said a prayer. I kissed their noses. I breathed them in. I thought of my little angel. How she would be talking and all in their business. I thought of all my friends' angels and how we would have had the best playdates. And of course I wondered if my little angel were living, would he have felt so empty that he needed to fill his void with her. Funny how life comes full circle.

I know I am a day late but I needed yesterday to hold it for just me. Sending out my love, thoughts, prayers and hugs to my fellow sisters who have walked the road of loss. We will always remember and never forget.

It Never Ends

I got an email today from a friend. She needed legal advice and knew I had already sought mine. Her husband of 7 years began having an affair back in January. He called her on Sunday from training wanting a divorce. She just had their second baby. They just sold their house. He is moving on to probably to start a new life with his 'lover'. What has this world come to?

We talked on the phone for a very long time. We are the only ones who know each others pain. I wish I didn't have this experience to share with her. I know she feels the same. My DB is going to talk to her DB this weekend. I am hoping he can talk some sense into him. How ironic.

I watched Dr. Phil this week, MISTAKE, on the mistresses side of the story. I will NEVER understand. Why would someone want a man with a family? Why would this person think it was okay to continue on with the relationship knowing 'she' was destroying lives? I am not taking the blame off of 'him' in any way. BUT...

I wish I was rich. I would take my friend away some place to bash and cry and listen to screaming man hating music. A break would be nice for me too. We will just have to be content in helping each other long distance.

Selfishness sickens me.

Misguided

Misguided was the word he used tonight. All of our evenings end with me 'discussing' everything. I have to stop the talking. I start it and end it and never feel good about it. It is my torture I guess. But tonight... misguided. SERIOUSLY?! Oh I guess I should back track just a bit. He left her the weekend I blogged about his thoughts. He is still in his apartment, my wish. We see each other lots but not in a married way. We are courting/dating. It has to go slow. I have to learn to trust again. He needs to prove himself.

So the word misguided again. I asked who guided him. The word makes me laugh because what he has done is WAY more than a misjudgment or misstep or misguided moment. It was devastating, humiliating, embarrassing, heart breaking... the list could go on forever. It should never have happened.

There is always a moment in our time together that brings me to a bad place. Tonight was pulling her long hair off my little man. I could have screamed. She is EVERYWHERE! She freaking haunts me. If it is not at his place, she finds herself in my house. Will she ever disappear? I think it is truly up to me to get rid of her. I have to let her go. Hate rears its ugly head OFTEN. I never hate but now...

This post is all over the place which is where I live these days. My head always feels like it is spinning. I feel hung over or even tipsy all the time. Maybe it is the all over the place sleep. Could it be stress? I look in the mirror and want to yell at myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Once again, time needs to fast forward itself quickly. This time just HAS to be it or I might truly go crazy.

Oh and the inlaws are coming for 2 weeks. That is another post for another day. If you made it this far you deserve a gold star.

Fog

I am lying here in my bed on a new set of sheets. No one has ever been in them but me. In fact they are flannel. I have never slept on flannel sheets before. I am also wearing new pjs. No one has seen me in them and might never see me in them. They are 'fancy' and a little snug. Of course they look better on the hanger. The windows are open, hearing the sound of steady rain fall. My room now has a damp feel to it. A bottle of wine is on my nightstand along with pacifiers, single socks and baby lotion that I am now calling mine. I have a lot running through my head. Nothing is clear anymore hence, FOG.

DB and I (he will be DB and not Grumps until life changes) talked yesterday. We don't talk much anymore. It was my plan. He can't have me and his new life together. He needs to feel the loss of me, his best friend. I refuse to share him or play this game he wishes he could play. But yesterday morning he called. We usually communicate in short txts about the babies. He sounded heavy on the phone. Confused and sad. He began to talk. I just listened. This is my new thing. I let him ramble and I don't interject. It is easier that way. I don't want to confuse him or sway him. It all has to be just him.

He said lots of 'new' thoughts. Ideas. Plans. Just a week ago I was asking for a list of all of our assets to give to my lawyer. Now he doesn't want to end 'this'. He wants to end 'her'. Of course I continue to just listen. He said he still has his lease. I told him it was a good thing. He isn't moving back any time soon. I reminded him he can't live both worlds. There has to be a change.

The phone call ended and I could breathe a little easier BUT my guard was still up. It was up HIGH. It still is. This new life I live is a roller coaster. I can no longer trust it. He came by today to pick up the babies. He said there were lots of changes he needed to make. He isn't happy in his new life. I thought we would talk more but he hurried out the door. I am sure he had plans with her and the kids. I try not to dwell on that.

I refuse to have hope, to think about the future. I still have my lawyer. I paid him big bucks to take care of things; yet we still have a year before it can, will, is over. I might not even want him back. We both did agree on our marriage defining who we are. Everything is US. All of our stories focus around each other. This doesn't mean I have to keep it this way. It would be easier to send him away for forever but he will never be gone. We have the twins. It would also be easier to stay us. It is what we know.

Do you see where the fog comes in? Do you feel my whirl of emotions? I know many of you probably think I am nuts for even entertaining the thought of 'us' again. Trust me, if I were you I would feel the same way. You think you would be one way in a situation and when the time comes you are completely opposite. Did any of you watch 'The Good Wife'? She was asked why didn't she go crazy when she found out about her husband. Her reply was something like, you always think you will, but when it happens you are caught off guard. You are shocked. You don't know how to respond so you don't.

Tonight I plan to enjoy the wine, rain, sheets, silence and SLEEP. Maybe in all of this I will find a new version of me. A better me. WOW I sound like Felicity!

Scrap!

I faintly remember posting yesterday. When I say 'faintly' I mean I really don't remember at all. SO scrap what I wrote or read it knowing I had just enjoyed a nice wine festival. I hate deleting posts but I should know better to even open my laptop after being out all day with a glass in my hand.

SORRY for my crazy head. :)