Monday, September 7, 2009

Okay

It is late. The babies have been asleep for 2 hours. They will be awake in 4. I am wide awake. I want to sleep but my brain won't shut down. So here we go...

Disclaimer: Please don't stop asking just know where my head is in it all.

I am asked all the time, How are You? Of course I say OKAY. Would you like to know what that means in my head?
*tired
*sad
*so heavy hearted
*I can't breathe
*wishing I could give them back
*I hate my life
*forgotten
*unwanted
*unloved
*I need a vacation
*broken
*excited
*I want him back
*I hate him
*stupid
*embarrassed
*foolish
*tired
*NUMB

Truly I am okay. I promise I will let you know (well maybe I lied there) if I'm not. Better yet, just assume things are bad but know I will make it.

20 comments:

  1. Sunny, you are doing even more than okay. I say this because not only are you feeling so many conflicting thoughts and emotions, but you are able to identify them and own up to them. I don't have any advice for you, but I'll happily support you along your journey.

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  2. I'm not in the exact same situation you are, but over the last year my marriage took a very different turn than what I had ever imagined. I had a brand new baby and I continue to feel a lot of the exact same emotions you put here. You are doing great! I'm sending much love to you are your sweet babies.

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  3. Just wanted to write and say that I'll be here reading along and I am -so glad- that you decided to start a new blog. I hope this gives you a place to talk about your current situation, and to look forward.

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  4. I love the blog name, I hate what that jerk has done to you.

    XOXO

    wishing I could hug you in person.

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  5. I like your new space=) Always here to listen...

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  6. I'll follow you wherever you go in the blog world.

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  7. Yay!! I love this new blog and the fact that you are blogging again. Hope this is a safe place for you. Love you tons.

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  8. I LOVE your new title. LOVE it!!!

    I love that you are blogging again.

    I think that you are perfect. :) I think your babies are so, so, so, so lucky to have you for their mama (I know I've said that before and I still think it.).

    I don't know if it makes a difference, but I really believe that what happened to you can happen to anyone. It could happen to me tomorrow. You are no more 'stupid or foolish or unwanted or unloved' than I am (or any other woman). We are all human and do human, hurtful, mean things (that's his part to own).

    I'm so proud of you and I think you are just wonderful!!!!

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  9. Love the new space. A perfect beginning for you.

    Doubt and dismay are normal... all these things you're feeling are normal. As said above, you *are* perfect. And you are human.

    Do you read Snickollet's blog? I'm sure you do. I know her situation was vastly different, but I imagine some of the feeling and logistics might be similar.

    Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. We'll all be reading along with you.

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  10. My darling sunny, I love the new digs. Don't hesitate to ask for anything...seriously

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  11. So proud of you for starting this blog. You are a beautiful and brave woman! I love ya.

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  12. As a real life friend I have to say: you are SUPERWOMAN! You can do this, and when you can't we'll do it for you... Love you!

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  13. Love the new blog name! Here and listening...

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  14. What a lovely new blog name and heading. Supporting as always

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  15. You are so awesome Sunny! I think this new blog is super. Always have ears to listen anytime!

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  16. I echo Amber! Also, this blog name can be your novel title, too ;) Ha!

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  17. I love you and I'm so proud of you!!

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  18. Life is so much more complex than we realise, I think your list of feelings captures so well how we can feel such conflicting emotions all at one time. I am so sorry to read about your marriage. I wish you happier times in this new blog, and everyone says that little babies are one of the hardest stages to live through.

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