Precious Moments

God is amazing! When life gets almost to heavy to handle He gives little moments to make breathing possible.

While we were gone for 2 weeks sleep just wasn't fun for Grace. Now that we are home, she gets so excited to go to bed. She smiles and kicks and giggles.

*Seeing my little ones sleep in their cribs. I wanted to pick them up last night to snuggle. Just a moment with them in my arms. Of course I knew better. I had been counting down all day until bed time.

*Wearing grandma's Christmas outfits and socks. It made my heart swell.

*Being stopped throughout the store to take a peak at the little ones. SO BLESSED AM I!

*Seeing my little ones so tired from a busy morning fall asleep while drinking their bottles.

*Grace opening her mouth BIG AS DAY to take a spoon full of food. THEN when I switched from applesauce to beans the look on her face.

I am beyond blessed to have these little joys in my life. Today I held them just a little tighter. Kissed them just a little more. Literally breathed them in to help me move today.

Set Free

Letting go is a very hard thing. Being in the middle of my marriage ending totally breaks my heart. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about the 13 years I had with DB. (I wanted to say 'my man' but he isn't mine anymore) It wasn't perfect but to me, it was precious. Now my time spent with this man is pick ups and drop offs.

Usually the pick up goes okay. I count down until it is time. All excited to have a moment to myself after a week of just me and the kids. I pass of information and necessities. The door shuts and I sit back going "I never in a million years would have thought THIS would be my life." Then the weekend begins with me being alone wishing for my kids to return. Oh so crazy how we work.

The drop offs are always painful. He comes in broken for having to give his kids back. (He might suck as a husband but he is a great dad.) He shares how the weekend went. I listen but begin to get angry. The next thing you know I have become emotional and ugly words are thrown at each other. HURTFUL words. Yes I deserve to be able to let it go and have him hold my hurt. But truly, in the end, I never feel better. The door is closed. I am upstairs with a drink in my hand crying. So sad. Wishing that after my words were screamed out he would change his mind. He never does.

The last time this happened I was a complete mess in the end. My night was very sleepless. I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night praying. I couldn't do this every time. I woke up realizing I truly had to forgive him and walk in love and kindness. I know it sounds crazy but my children deserve that. I don't need to know about his personal life. But we will have to talk about our kids. In order to do this I have to forget about me and think about them every time I have an encounter with him. I have to let it go for them.

It truly is a freeing thing, forgiveness. Love and kindness are too.

The Evenings

When you are alone after always having someone, the hardest 'thing' is your evenings. You hold things in all day to share with your 'someone'. Or at least I did. I kept a mental list. I would start getting excited when I knew he was close to home. He would always call. I would ask where he was and figure out the time. If I hadn't showered (yep I do that sometimes) I would rush to get ready. If I was cooking I would finish things up. I would get the dog all excited and even stand at the window waiting. Now I try to forget about it all.

During my day I start making my mental list and realize it won't be shared. I quickly erase it. Then I start doing it again. There were times I couldn't wait until he came home so I would txt him. I have found myself txting in my head now. I miss sharing with him.

So to help with this missing part I am going to throw out my mental list here. I know, crazy, but I just need to get it out of my head.

Here it is:

*The babies slept all day. They took the longest naps ever. I am sure it was from all the traveling and being busy with family. I selfishly loved it.

*The evening wasn't so good. My little man hit a wall around 5:30. Screamed and screamed and screamed. It got to the point where I just let him. Of course my little girl started in with him. I began to laugh as I sat eating chinese food while holding screaming babies. Bed came early.

*My little girl wouldn't have the 'to bed early' stuff. So I held her. She smiled and smiled and smiled. Of course she touched my face with her sweet hand. She loves to do that now. It melted my heart.

*Itsy got into my suitcase and started to eat the baby formula. Yep had to throw away expensive formula. NOT HAPPY!

*When the chinese came Itsy went right into the bathroom without me having to make her go. She finally knows what to do.

*The people at the end (I would insert our name for them but that isn't nice on the web) she was 'fully covered today'. I wonder what is going on in that home.

* I watched a lady try to get rid of a friend. The friend just wouldn't go. It made me laugh.

*Itsy is so confused.

I know you are probably thinking, MAN she thinks and talks too much. I wouldn't dump all this on him at once. It would come out throughout the evening. Of course as we would fall asleep I would have one more thought. It would always be about the babies. *I gave them a bath today. They smelled so bad with the spit and dirty neck combo. Now I can't stop pulling them close and smelling them.

Yep the evenings are so hard. Thanks for listening.

The New Life

Being home for the holiday was a good thing. I never thought I would say that. It was nice to be far far away from him. I didn't have to see him. We txted just a bit. A couple of emails went back and forth but for the most part he was far away.

It was nice to have family to help. We never talked about my drama. I brought it up a time or two but everyone stayed clear from the topic. Now my mind... it really has struggled. Watching couples be together. Husbands help with the kids. Then there's me alone. We took family pictures. YEP my new little family got pictures too. Me and the babes. The entire time I wanted to dig a hole and cry.

I love being taken care of. I hope I am blessed with that again one day.

Its Over

I began this email early this morning with a dying computer. Of course before I could hit publish it died and I lost it. My moment of quiet has ended. It at least helped my mind to quiet so I could sleep another hour before the babies came alive again.

After trying with all my might to save my marriage he decided it wasn't worth his time anymore. He lied and lied and lied some more. He lied so much he didn't know what was truth anymore. It all came to an end with, "I don't have feelings for you anymore. I really never have." I knew right then and there I was DONE! No more games. It would take a miracle for my heart to be changed toward him. I don't want a weak man full of lies and lust.

Part of me is relieved to be done with this part of my life. Well done really won't be complete until September of next year. He is living as if we are divorced. I wish it were that easy where we lived. The other part of me is broken. I look at my children and am sad. We would have had so much fun together raising them. The past 13 years were good. Hard at times but good. I am sad about it all.

I wish I could fast forward a year. I hope by then the pain will be dull. The breathing will be easier. The pressure will be lifted. I do know I NEVER want to speak to 'her' or have her in my life. She will always be a homewrecker to me. I think he believes it will be like the movies with us. We will all be good friends. NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! I won't be friends with her AND I will never be his friend again.

I could go on and on. I could get ugly. Maybe one day. ;) Right now I am just done.

Breathing

We have all heard the songs. Ingrid's says it all. It is hard to breathe sometimes. Just the act of taking a breathe takes so much courage. There are days everything hurts. To think about going on and living can be so hard. Breathing is all you can do.

During all of this I have had a friend who shows up sometimes. This friend isn't invited and never will be. It is the elephant that likes to move in and sit on my chest. Breathing becomes almost impossible. So I pray. I use God's Word to make it move. I stay busy or even have a glass of wine to just calm me. Giving me courage to make it go. Each day the elephant visits less and less. THEN something will happen to invite it more. The process of making him leave begins again.

I never thought I would take back a man who has disrespected and wronged me so much. You know you always think you would do this and that but never hold on. I also know there is a point where I can't keep him any longer. I have to let 'us' go. BUT right now I have to fight. I have to keep breathing.

Today as I hold my little Grace in my arms, comforting her after painful shots, THIS is the reason I breathe. THIS is the reason I fight for him. When I go and pick up my little boy and see his wide eyes and sweet smile I know I am doing the right thing for now. I keep breathing for them.

I never truly understood love or sacrifice until I had my miracles. I would do anything for them. Some days I feel like I have. To have them I have almost lost my marriage. They are the air I breathe. They are God's breath to me. They were and are worth it all. I wouldn't change a thing.

I want him to love me but right now I can live with liking me. I pray we work completely out in the end. He can't understand why I would forgive him. Why I would continue loving him. He is part of my little miracles. He helped make them breathe with me.

Today I breathe in my children. I hold them close and let them feel my heart. My breathing. It will get easier.

Thank you for all the encouragement from my last post. You have cheered me on.

Disclaimer

It has come to my attention that my blog has been discovered by certain people. To be honest I don't care. Everyone just needs to understand this is my free therapy. I blog to get things out of my head. I also blog to hopefully help someone else.

I was asked to make my blog private but it defeats its purpose. I will continue to blog and make it public. All need to understand my thoughts are my thoughts. Please respect them.

A Day of Rememberance

Yesterday was Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day. I know it was yesterday. I didn't forget. In fact I will never forget it. My sweet <3 friend mourns that day. I go to bed thinking about her every October 14th. I wake up thinking about her. My heart will always hurt on that day.

As the day ended I stopped and looked at my sweet little twins and said a prayer. I kissed their noses. I breathed them in. I thought of my little angel. How she would be talking and all in their business. I thought of all my friends' angels and how we would have had the best playdates. And of course I wondered if my little angel were living, would he have felt so empty that he needed to fill his void with her. Funny how life comes full circle.

I know I am a day late but I needed yesterday to hold it for just me. Sending out my love, thoughts, prayers and hugs to my fellow sisters who have walked the road of loss. We will always remember and never forget.

It Never Ends

I got an email today from a friend. She needed legal advice and knew I had already sought mine. Her husband of 7 years began having an affair back in January. He called her on Sunday from training wanting a divorce. She just had their second baby. They just sold their house. He is moving on to probably to start a new life with his 'lover'. What has this world come to?

We talked on the phone for a very long time. We are the only ones who know each others pain. I wish I didn't have this experience to share with her. I know she feels the same. My DB is going to talk to her DB this weekend. I am hoping he can talk some sense into him. How ironic.

I watched Dr. Phil this week, MISTAKE, on the mistresses side of the story. I will NEVER understand. Why would someone want a man with a family? Why would this person think it was okay to continue on with the relationship knowing 'she' was destroying lives? I am not taking the blame off of 'him' in any way. BUT...

I wish I was rich. I would take my friend away some place to bash and cry and listen to screaming man hating music. A break would be nice for me too. We will just have to be content in helping each other long distance.

Selfishness sickens me.

Misguided

Misguided was the word he used tonight. All of our evenings end with me 'discussing' everything. I have to stop the talking. I start it and end it and never feel good about it. It is my torture I guess. But tonight... misguided. SERIOUSLY?! Oh I guess I should back track just a bit. He left her the weekend I blogged about his thoughts. He is still in his apartment, my wish. We see each other lots but not in a married way. We are courting/dating. It has to go slow. I have to learn to trust again. He needs to prove himself.

So the word misguided again. I asked who guided him. The word makes me laugh because what he has done is WAY more than a misjudgment or misstep or misguided moment. It was devastating, humiliating, embarrassing, heart breaking... the list could go on forever. It should never have happened.

There is always a moment in our time together that brings me to a bad place. Tonight was pulling her long hair off my little man. I could have screamed. She is EVERYWHERE! She freaking haunts me. If it is not at his place, she finds herself in my house. Will she ever disappear? I think it is truly up to me to get rid of her. I have to let her go. Hate rears its ugly head OFTEN. I never hate but now...

This post is all over the place which is where I live these days. My head always feels like it is spinning. I feel hung over or even tipsy all the time. Maybe it is the all over the place sleep. Could it be stress? I look in the mirror and want to yell at myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Once again, time needs to fast forward itself quickly. This time just HAS to be it or I might truly go crazy.

Oh and the inlaws are coming for 2 weeks. That is another post for another day. If you made it this far you deserve a gold star.

Fog

I am lying here in my bed on a new set of sheets. No one has ever been in them but me. In fact they are flannel. I have never slept on flannel sheets before. I am also wearing new pjs. No one has seen me in them and might never see me in them. They are 'fancy' and a little snug. Of course they look better on the hanger. The windows are open, hearing the sound of steady rain fall. My room now has a damp feel to it. A bottle of wine is on my nightstand along with pacifiers, single socks and baby lotion that I am now calling mine. I have a lot running through my head. Nothing is clear anymore hence, FOG.

DB and I (he will be DB and not Grumps until life changes) talked yesterday. We don't talk much anymore. It was my plan. He can't have me and his new life together. He needs to feel the loss of me, his best friend. I refuse to share him or play this game he wishes he could play. But yesterday morning he called. We usually communicate in short txts about the babies. He sounded heavy on the phone. Confused and sad. He began to talk. I just listened. This is my new thing. I let him ramble and I don't interject. It is easier that way. I don't want to confuse him or sway him. It all has to be just him.

He said lots of 'new' thoughts. Ideas. Plans. Just a week ago I was asking for a list of all of our assets to give to my lawyer. Now he doesn't want to end 'this'. He wants to end 'her'. Of course I continue to just listen. He said he still has his lease. I told him it was a good thing. He isn't moving back any time soon. I reminded him he can't live both worlds. There has to be a change.

The phone call ended and I could breathe a little easier BUT my guard was still up. It was up HIGH. It still is. This new life I live is a roller coaster. I can no longer trust it. He came by today to pick up the babies. He said there were lots of changes he needed to make. He isn't happy in his new life. I thought we would talk more but he hurried out the door. I am sure he had plans with her and the kids. I try not to dwell on that.

I refuse to have hope, to think about the future. I still have my lawyer. I paid him big bucks to take care of things; yet we still have a year before it can, will, is over. I might not even want him back. We both did agree on our marriage defining who we are. Everything is US. All of our stories focus around each other. This doesn't mean I have to keep it this way. It would be easier to send him away for forever but he will never be gone. We have the twins. It would also be easier to stay us. It is what we know.

Do you see where the fog comes in? Do you feel my whirl of emotions? I know many of you probably think I am nuts for even entertaining the thought of 'us' again. Trust me, if I were you I would feel the same way. You think you would be one way in a situation and when the time comes you are completely opposite. Did any of you watch 'The Good Wife'? She was asked why didn't she go crazy when she found out about her husband. Her reply was something like, you always think you will, but when it happens you are caught off guard. You are shocked. You don't know how to respond so you don't.

Tonight I plan to enjoy the wine, rain, sheets, silence and SLEEP. Maybe in all of this I will find a new version of me. A better me. WOW I sound like Felicity!

Scrap!

I faintly remember posting yesterday. When I say 'faintly' I mean I really don't remember at all. SO scrap what I wrote or read it knowing I had just enjoyed a nice wine festival. I hate deleting posts but I should know better to even open my laptop after being out all day with a glass in my hand.

SORRY for my crazy head. :)

The Weekends

All week I am alone with the little ones. I know, it is totally sweet. I wake up to smiles and sweet babies. But as the week goes on I totally need some alone time. I am with them 24/7. Yesterday I changed 10 poopy diapers. I also cleaned up dog puke and had my own big D moments.

The weekend is my time. Douche Bag takes the sweet kids. Of course he comes in and sits on the couch with tears in his eyes. He talks of how hard life is. WHATEVER! Seriously... life is so sweet for him. He works and 'does' (being very sweet on here) his KC!~ I sit back and bight my tongue. Yet I still count down until Saturday. Now that Saturday is here... I miss my little ones. I would love to hold them, feed them, even change their poopy diapers. Yet I am alone.

I should be cleaning the house. I should be 'enjoying my time'. I should be... CRAP!!! I have no clue. My weekends are not what they should be. They should be with my babies and their daddy. Instead I am alone without even my dog.

Today (THANK GOD) I had friends who let me be the third wheel. Tomorrow, who knows, I could have the kids or not. If I don't, SHOPPING and cleaning. If I do... I guess cleaning. HA!

It is crazy though how you long to be alone and when you are... you are truly ALL ALONE! (yep making no sense unless you are in my shoes. If you are HOLLER!!!)

The Middle of the Bed

Thank you to everyone. Your comments and emails have been so encouraging.

Throughout our marriage we have always had our side of the bed. I can't even remember how it was decided years ago. I am always on the left side. When he would be away I still stayed on my side of the bed. Even for long periods of time I would never move into the middle of the bed.

I decided last night it is time to move on. He came around to help out yesterday and was back to his old ways.He misses me. He wishes things were different. He would change it all if he could. I have heard these words before. It got to the point in our conversation where if I had asked him to come back he would have. When he left I felt very alone. By nightfall I knew it was all games again. I can't play his games. I moved into the middle of the bed.

When I woke up this morning stretched out I decided to continue to move forward. Of course he never called to check on me or the babies today. It shows he hasn't changed. I know the world is praying for things to work out but as far as I can see, there is no chance for that. I am tired of being hurt. I deserve the best. He isn't the best.

This new journey I am on is beyond hard. My anxiety is high. I don't like the feeling. Thank God for babies to keep me busy or I would never come out of bed but at least I would be in the middle of the bed.

Okay

It is late. The babies have been asleep for 2 hours. They will be awake in 4. I am wide awake. I want to sleep but my brain won't shut down. So here we go...

Disclaimer: Please don't stop asking just know where my head is in it all.

I am asked all the time, How are You? Of course I say OKAY. Would you like to know what that means in my head?
*tired
*sad
*so heavy hearted
*I can't breathe
*wishing I could give them back
*I hate my life
*forgotten
*unwanted
*unloved
*I need a vacation
*broken
*excited
*I want him back
*I hate him
*stupid
*embarrassed
*foolish
*tired
*NUMB

Truly I am okay. I promise I will let you know (well maybe I lied there) if I'm not. Better yet, just assume things are bad but know I will make it.

Starting New

I have been married for 11 years, known my husband for 13. We traveled and lived out many dreams. We wanted a family and tried for almost 6 years before God blessed us with two little miracles. During this time my husband found another 'love'. I tried with all my might to change his heart. He chose her.

Now here I am starting new at 33. I NEVER thought I would be here pondering a new life. Thinking of dating. Being alone with children. A single mom. I thought we would grow old together, sitting in rockers thinking back over life.

This is a scary road I am on. Such a new and unknown road. I know I am not alone. I have my family and friends but most of all God.