I am lying here in my bed on a new set of sheets. No one has ever been in them but me. In fact they are flannel. I have never slept on flannel sheets before. I am also wearing new pjs. No one has seen me in them and might never see me in them. They are 'fancy' and a little snug. Of course they look better on the hanger. The windows are open, hearing the sound of steady rain fall. My room now has a damp feel to it. A bottle of wine is on my nightstand along with pacifiers, single socks and baby lotion that I am now calling mine. I have a lot running through my head. Nothing is clear anymore hence, FOG.
DB and I (he will be DB and not Grumps until life changes) talked yesterday. We don't talk much anymore. It was my plan. He can't have me and his new life together. He needs to feel the loss of me, his best friend. I refuse to share him or play this game he wishes he could play. But yesterday morning he called. We usually communicate in short txts about the babies. He sounded heavy on the phone. Confused and sad. He began to talk. I just listened. This is my new thing. I let him ramble and I don't interject. It is easier that way. I don't want to confuse him or sway him. It all has to be just him.
He said lots of 'new' thoughts. Ideas. Plans. Just a week ago I was asking for a list of all of our assets to give to my lawyer. Now he doesn't want to end 'this'. He wants to end 'her'. Of course I continue to just listen. He said he still has his lease. I told him it was a good thing. He isn't moving back any time soon. I reminded him he can't live both worlds. There has to be a change.
The phone call ended and I could breathe a little easier BUT my guard was still up. It was up HIGH. It still is. This new life I live is a roller coaster. I can no longer trust it. He came by today to pick up the babies. He said there were lots of changes he needed to make. He isn't happy in his new life. I thought we would talk more but he hurried out the door. I am sure he had plans with her and the kids. I try not to dwell on that.
I refuse to have hope, to think about the future. I still have my lawyer. I paid him big bucks to take care of things; yet we still have a year before it can, will, is over. I might not even want him back. We both did agree on our marriage defining who we are. Everything is US. All of our stories focus around each other. This doesn't mean I have to keep it this way. It would be easier to send him away for forever but he will never be gone. We have the twins. It would also be easier to stay us. It is what we know.
Do you see where the fog comes in? Do you feel my whirl of emotions? I know many of you probably think I am nuts for even entertaining the thought of 'us' again. Trust me, if I were you I would feel the same way. You think you would be one way in a situation and when the time comes you are completely opposite. Did any of you watch 'The Good Wife'? She was asked why didn't she go crazy when she found out about her husband. Her reply was something like, you always think you will, but when it happens you are caught off guard. You are shocked. You don't know how to respond so you don't.
Tonight I plan to enjoy the wine, rain, sheets, silence and SLEEP. Maybe in all of this I will find a new version of me. A better me. WOW I sound like Felicity!