Fog

I am lying here in my bed on a new set of sheets. No one has ever been in them but me. In fact they are flannel. I have never slept on flannel sheets before. I am also wearing new pjs. No one has seen me in them and might never see me in them. They are 'fancy' and a little snug. Of course they look better on the hanger. The windows are open, hearing the sound of steady rain fall. My room now has a damp feel to it. A bottle of wine is on my nightstand along with pacifiers, single socks and baby lotion that I am now calling mine. I have a lot running through my head. Nothing is clear anymore hence, FOG.

DB and I (he will be DB and not Grumps until life changes) talked yesterday. We don't talk much anymore. It was my plan. He can't have me and his new life together. He needs to feel the loss of me, his best friend. I refuse to share him or play this game he wishes he could play. But yesterday morning he called. We usually communicate in short txts about the babies. He sounded heavy on the phone. Confused and sad. He began to talk. I just listened. This is my new thing. I let him ramble and I don't interject. It is easier that way. I don't want to confuse him or sway him. It all has to be just him.

He said lots of 'new' thoughts. Ideas. Plans. Just a week ago I was asking for a list of all of our assets to give to my lawyer. Now he doesn't want to end 'this'. He wants to end 'her'. Of course I continue to just listen. He said he still has his lease. I told him it was a good thing. He isn't moving back any time soon. I reminded him he can't live both worlds. There has to be a change.

The phone call ended and I could breathe a little easier BUT my guard was still up. It was up HIGH. It still is. This new life I live is a roller coaster. I can no longer trust it. He came by today to pick up the babies. He said there were lots of changes he needed to make. He isn't happy in his new life. I thought we would talk more but he hurried out the door. I am sure he had plans with her and the kids. I try not to dwell on that.

I refuse to have hope, to think about the future. I still have my lawyer. I paid him big bucks to take care of things; yet we still have a year before it can, will, is over. I might not even want him back. We both did agree on our marriage defining who we are. Everything is US. All of our stories focus around each other. This doesn't mean I have to keep it this way. It would be easier to send him away for forever but he will never be gone. We have the twins. It would also be easier to stay us. It is what we know.

Do you see where the fog comes in? Do you feel my whirl of emotions? I know many of you probably think I am nuts for even entertaining the thought of 'us' again. Trust me, if I were you I would feel the same way. You think you would be one way in a situation and when the time comes you are completely opposite. Did any of you watch 'The Good Wife'? She was asked why didn't she go crazy when she found out about her husband. Her reply was something like, you always think you will, but when it happens you are caught off guard. You are shocked. You don't know how to respond so you don't.

Tonight I plan to enjoy the wine, rain, sheets, silence and SLEEP. Maybe in all of this I will find a new version of me. A better me. WOW I sound like Felicity!

Scrap!

I faintly remember posting yesterday. When I say 'faintly' I mean I really don't remember at all. SO scrap what I wrote or read it knowing I had just enjoyed a nice wine festival. I hate deleting posts but I should know better to even open my laptop after being out all day with a glass in my hand.

SORRY for my crazy head. :)

The Weekends

All week I am alone with the little ones. I know, it is totally sweet. I wake up to smiles and sweet babies. But as the week goes on I totally need some alone time. I am with them 24/7. Yesterday I changed 10 poopy diapers. I also cleaned up dog puke and had my own big D moments.

The weekend is my time. Douche Bag takes the sweet kids. Of course he comes in and sits on the couch with tears in his eyes. He talks of how hard life is. WHATEVER! Seriously... life is so sweet for him. He works and 'does' (being very sweet on here) his KC!~ I sit back and bight my tongue. Yet I still count down until Saturday. Now that Saturday is here... I miss my little ones. I would love to hold them, feed them, even change their poopy diapers. Yet I am alone.

I should be cleaning the house. I should be 'enjoying my time'. I should be... CRAP!!! I have no clue. My weekends are not what they should be. They should be with my babies and their daddy. Instead I am alone without even my dog.

Today (THANK GOD) I had friends who let me be the third wheel. Tomorrow, who knows, I could have the kids or not. If I don't, SHOPPING and cleaning. If I do... I guess cleaning. HA!

It is crazy though how you long to be alone and when you are... you are truly ALL ALONE! (yep making no sense unless you are in my shoes. If you are HOLLER!!!)

The Middle of the Bed

Thank you to everyone. Your comments and emails have been so encouraging.

Throughout our marriage we have always had our side of the bed. I can't even remember how it was decided years ago. I am always on the left side. When he would be away I still stayed on my side of the bed. Even for long periods of time I would never move into the middle of the bed.

I decided last night it is time to move on. He came around to help out yesterday and was back to his old ways.He misses me. He wishes things were different. He would change it all if he could. I have heard these words before. It got to the point in our conversation where if I had asked him to come back he would have. When he left I felt very alone. By nightfall I knew it was all games again. I can't play his games. I moved into the middle of the bed.

When I woke up this morning stretched out I decided to continue to move forward. Of course he never called to check on me or the babies today. It shows he hasn't changed. I know the world is praying for things to work out but as far as I can see, there is no chance for that. I am tired of being hurt. I deserve the best. He isn't the best.

This new journey I am on is beyond hard. My anxiety is high. I don't like the feeling. Thank God for babies to keep me busy or I would never come out of bed but at least I would be in the middle of the bed.

Okay

It is late. The babies have been asleep for 2 hours. They will be awake in 4. I am wide awake. I want to sleep but my brain won't shut down. So here we go...

Disclaimer: Please don't stop asking just know where my head is in it all.

I am asked all the time, How are You? Of course I say OKAY. Would you like to know what that means in my head?
*tired
*sad
*so heavy hearted
*I can't breathe
*wishing I could give them back
*I hate my life
*forgotten
*unwanted
*unloved
*I need a vacation
*broken
*excited
*I want him back
*I hate him
*stupid
*embarrassed
*foolish
*tired
*NUMB

Truly I am okay. I promise I will let you know (well maybe I lied there) if I'm not. Better yet, just assume things are bad but know I will make it.

Starting New

I have been married for 11 years, known my husband for 13. We traveled and lived out many dreams. We wanted a family and tried for almost 6 years before God blessed us with two little miracles. During this time my husband found another 'love'. I tried with all my might to change his heart. He chose her.

Now here I am starting new at 33. I NEVER thought I would be here pondering a new life. Thinking of dating. Being alone with children. A single mom. I thought we would grow old together, sitting in rockers thinking back over life.

This is a scary road I am on. Such a new and unknown road. I know I am not alone. I have my family and friends but most of all God.