Friday, October 30, 2009
We have all heard the songs. Ingrid's says it all. It is hard to breathe sometimes. Just the act of taking a breathe takes so much courage. There are days everything hurts. To think about going on and living can be so hard. Breathing is all you can do.
During all of this I have had a friend who shows up sometimes. This friend isn't invited and never will be. It is the elephant that likes to move in and sit on my chest. Breathing becomes almost impossible. So I pray. I use God's Word to make it move. I stay busy or even have a glass of wine to just calm me. Giving me courage to make it go. Each day the elephant visits less and less. THEN something will happen to invite it more. The process of making him leave begins again.
I never thought I would take back a man who has disrespected and wronged me so much. You know you always think you would do this and that but never hold on. I also know there is a point where I can't keep him any longer. I have to let 'us' go. BUT right now I have to fight. I have to keep breathing.
Today as I hold my little Grace in my arms, comforting her after painful shots, THIS is the reason I breathe. THIS is the reason I fight for him. When I go and pick up my little boy and see his wide eyes and sweet smile I know I am doing the right thing for now. I keep breathing for them.
I never truly understood love or sacrifice until I had my miracles. I would do anything for them. Some days I feel like I have. To have them I have almost lost my marriage. They are the air I breathe. They are God's breath to me. They were and are worth it all. I wouldn't change a thing.
I want him to love me but right now I can live with liking me. I pray we work completely out in the end. He can't understand why I would forgive him. Why I would continue loving him. He is part of my little miracles. He helped make them breathe with me.
Today I breathe in my children. I hold them close and let them feel my heart. My breathing. It will get easier.
Thank you for all the encouragement from my last post. You have cheered me on.