Friday, October 30, 2009

Breathing


We have all heard the songs. Ingrid's says it all. It is hard to breathe sometimes. Just the act of taking a breathe takes so much courage. There are days everything hurts. To think about going on and living can be so hard. Breathing is all you can do.

During all of this I have had a friend who shows up sometimes. This friend isn't invited and never will be. It is the elephant that likes to move in and sit on my chest. Breathing becomes almost impossible. So I pray. I use God's Word to make it move. I stay busy or even have a glass of wine to just calm me. Giving me courage to make it go. Each day the elephant visits less and less. THEN something will happen to invite it more. The process of making him leave begins again.

I never thought I would take back a man who has disrespected and wronged me so much. You know you always think you would do this and that but never hold on. I also know there is a point where I can't keep him any longer. I have to let 'us' go. BUT right now I have to fight. I have to keep breathing.

Today as I hold my little Grace in my arms, comforting her after painful shots, THIS is the reason I breathe. THIS is the reason I fight for him. When I go and pick up my little boy and see his wide eyes and sweet smile I know I am doing the right thing for now. I keep breathing for them.

I never truly understood love or sacrifice until I had my miracles. I would do anything for them. Some days I feel like I have. To have them I have almost lost my marriage. They are the air I breathe. They are God's breath to me. They were and are worth it all. I wouldn't change a thing.

I want him to love me but right now I can live with liking me. I pray we work completely out in the end. He can't understand why I would forgive him. Why I would continue loving him. He is part of my little miracles. He helped make them breathe with me.

Today I breathe in my children. I hold them close and let them feel my heart. My breathing. It will get easier.

Thank you for all the encouragement from my last post. You have cheered me on.

19 comments:

  1. You are amazing. Keep breathing. I love you!!

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  2. G-D, she's beautiful.

    Keep breathing. Keep putting one step in front of the other. We are all here for you and praying for you, sending love and strength and peace to you.

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  3. Some love stories aren't about a man and a woman, are they? Sometimes they are so layered and thick with emotion that you don't know whether to smile or cry.

    Sometimes I think both are appropriate.

    Keep up the breathing, one day it will become autonomic again.

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  4. I understand you, girl. Sometimes people ask how I'm doing and I answer, "I'm breathing." We mothers would take beating after beating if it meant that our children would never have to feel a smidge of pain. Don't feel bad for hanging in there or giving up...you have done the right thing the whole tome...you have done what you feel is best for you and the babies. Just know, you are not alone. It has brought me peace to hear your story and know that I am not the only wife living though it. Take care...breath.

    Diana

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  5. Sweetie, you have to do whatever is right for you and your family. You're SO strong. I truly admire you.

    {{{hugs}}}

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  6. You are an incredible woman. We love you and are here for you whenever you need us!

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  7. Beautiful post Sunny.. simply beautiful. Keep up your strength and lean on others. You are strong, even when you feel you're not.

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  8. None of us know exactly how we will respond in any moment/situation. I hope all your friends and family will be able to just trust you to find your path ... whatever that is.

    This was a beautiful post, Sunny.

    And that babe ... I want to eat that babe right up and love all over her (him?). :) Gorgeous babe. (I hated watching my babies get shots ....)

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  9. I've been in this exact place. You are so right, having our miracles in our lives is what keeps us going on, getting up in the morning, and learning to live through and past horrible experiences.

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  10. What a beautiful little girl and a beautiful post. Only you can know what is right for you and your family. Don't listen to anyone who makes you doubt yourself...you know...

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  11. All I am sending is peace of heart and deep breaths.

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  12. *Here from LCFA* Beautiful post. It is hard to breath, sometimes, for many different reasons. The most important moments are when we realize we CAN breath and we do it so deeply it hurts. Keep those moments alive in your heart and your mind, hon.

    Hope you had a WONDERFUL birthday! I'm sending you some happy birthday wishes and peace from Oregon!
    *HUGS*

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  13. I came here from LFCA to wish you a Happy Birthday! I found such a beautiful post, I had tears in my eyes. Whatever it takes to keep breathing. Whatever it takes to feel whole again. I'm sending positive thoughts your way!

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  14. Found you from stirrup queens roundup. What an amazing and thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing!

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  15. Yea, keep breathing. Love you.

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  16. Here from round-up...what a beautiful post ~ you are right, sometimes, it is the best we can do to breathe. Take it day by day. No one should expect more from you. Saying a prayer for you and your family.

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  17. It's been a long while since I've checked in on you so I was totally shocked to find out what has happened to you! Your DH needs a swift kick to the nether region, girlfriend! I am so happy that you finally have your beutiful children, but so sad that he betrayed you this way.

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