Letting go is a very hard thing. Being in the middle of my marriage ending totally breaks my heart. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about the 13 years I had with DB. (I wanted to say 'my man' but he isn't mine anymore) It wasn't perfect but to me, it was precious. Now my time spent with this man is pick ups and drop offs.
Usually the pick up goes okay. I count down until it is time. All excited to have a moment to myself after a week of just me and the kids. I pass of information and necessities. The door shuts and I sit back going "I never in a million years would have thought THIS would be my life." Then the weekend begins with me being alone wishing for my kids to return. Oh so crazy how we work.
The drop offs are always painful. He comes in broken for having to give his kids back. (He might suck as a husband but he is a great dad.) He shares how the weekend went. I listen but begin to get angry. The next thing you know I have become emotional and ugly words are thrown at each other. HURTFUL words. Yes I deserve to be able to let it go and have him hold my hurt. But truly, in the end, I never feel better. The door is closed. I am upstairs with a drink in my hand crying. So sad. Wishing that after my words were screamed out he would change his mind. He never does.
The last time this happened I was a complete mess in the end. My night was very sleepless. I spent a lot of time in the middle of the night praying. I couldn't do this every time. I woke up realizing I truly had to forgive him and walk in love and kindness. I know it sounds crazy but my children deserve that. I don't need to know about his personal life. But we will have to talk about our kids. In order to do this I have to forget about me and think about them every time I have an encounter with him. I have to let it go for them.
It truly is a freeing thing, forgiveness. Love and kindness are too.